Tuesday, 16 December 2014

Do I tell this story too?

I need to write about life in this women's shelter.

Not just the terrible food, but about the psychological torture, where someone who can sleep all morning wakes you up through the night and you're exhausted from this enforced insomnia.

Those staff members who pressure you to take pills, Andi-Depressants, sleeping pills, everything. But they won't let me keep my own packet of paracetamol because I'm a suicide risk. They've got an interesting system of medications here.

The people here, that troll, the loony roomie who's now gone, the crazy people, the unaware people and the down right depressing woman. And the mouthy one who I wish would shut up and stop puking her guts up at night. The druggies, the alcoholic, and those with their almost anonymous problems.

About how there's women who leave their shit sticking to the toilet. About how nobody washes their hands. About how some people don't shower for weeks on end. The smell that catches you in the throat and makes you gag.

The fact there's women from different cultures who are okay to sit with their top half naked and talk to you as if nothing has changed. And me, who changes in the shower, even if I'm only changing my shirt.

Being confined to one corner and having to share you're room when you're a messy, but not dirty person, in the cleanest room of the five, but with the smallest corner.

The tedium, the repeatability, and how now winter has come it gets really dull the evening and the mornings are sombre.

It's an idea after all. But I didn't sleep last night, so, it could be a bad one.

Why I want to go see my family for Christmas

Because apparently I have to write things like this now. Wouldn't it be more constructive writing melodramatic suicide notes? Or that book I've always threatened to write? Nah, this is what I do instead. My mum books me a holiday, and then I have to justify why I want to go.

When did my life become this trivial? When was my ranting taken away and I was given a structured thing to write? I miss my wordy freedom.

So why do I want to go back to see my family for Christmas? Because they're my family, because it's a family holiday. Key word, family. Would you rather I spend Christmas in bed depressing myself? This centre is miserable sometimes, I can imagine that would be one of them. I'm surrounded by hopeless cases and I fear I may become one, like it's a disease I can trap. This place doesn't do me any favours, it charges my self hatred so I need to remove myself from the source. There's reasons why I go out most of the day, the main one is job hunting, the other one would be church, and after that I've got a day with my son. Any appointment I can get I try and grab for lunchtime.

Let's get to that. Food. It's shit. Epically shit. Hi, my name is Andi, and I'm a vegetarian, I have been for years, and I'm fed up with eating fish. Yeah, I'm "difficult" because I eat in a fairly easy to respect way. So what is the problem? The women have mixed meat, or animal fat, or dead animal into my vegetables to the point where I have no more confidence in eating here. And if I point this out, you say I can starve myself if I like because it's my own problem. Well fuck you, I'll happily die from starvation. Anorexia becomes a learnt habit, and when it's obliged like it is here. I don't actually get hungry any more. I was worrying, but it's actually doing me a favour.

Just fuck it. I wanna go see my family, and I don't even have the right to do that. What's the point? None of this stuff matters any more. I try and dig myself out of this hole and something always comes shoving me further down.

Wednesday, 3 December 2014

I have earrings...

So I got paid today, I get paid on Friday too, but I still feel bleh. Bleh isn't a real word, it just describes it. Kinda. The words my friend used were worse.

And I've been trying to get more gold colour tat since I got my glasses as they have gold leaves on them, so I got earrings. I'll have some nice tat to wear with my glasses now. I actually have my upper ear pierced too so I need three earrings to wear at a time. Also because it's a new piercing dating from the end of September I can't leave it empty.

So this is what 20€ got me.

Monday, 1 December 2014

Christmas is getting out of hand

Wants

Thankfully the want list is going down. All I really want now is a bag or two. I really want that Tardis one, I love Doctor Who, but I'd also like the Owl one for the summer. And the Nintendo one from when Nintendo used to be AWESOME and the Adventure Time one to annoy my brother. Yup...


Already gots

And these are the things I've already got for myself and others. It's a pretty good list.
I got the Mary Berry bundle for my Grandma, she likes them but I don't think she reads them. Can she even read with her eye condition? Meh. I hope it makes her happy at least.
 
Then as another black friday (what is that anyway?) thing I got earrings, they're created emeralds, and silver, but I've always preferred silver and I've always had a thing for emeralds. I've got green eyes, it looks good. It's quality tat but in a pretty way. Lifelong tat?
And a necklace to match!
And for Alexandros the car addict, if it moves he loves it, I got a fire engine. I'm hoping he'll like it and it'll drive his carers mad.
   
My mum and I will be trying to drink 300 espressos each over Christmas. It'll be fun.
And I got these half price for black friday (why is it black?) because I love the Gruffalo and I hope they'll interest Alexandros.
For the difficult teenager (who stinks) I got Lynx. I'm kind. I don't know if he'll like it.
I also got him a book, and if he doesn't want to read it I do! I like books.

Thursday, 27 November 2014

Christmas gifts in progress

Yeah, they're coming along. I've not actually got photos of gift #3 but it's an orange, yellow and white beret. I'm worried it's going to be too small. It's a good fit on me, but I have a small head, I'm going to be careful who I give it to. I've knitted it. I've just got millions of ends to sew in.
I really imagine wearing this into my next appointment with my psychologist. I know I should.

Otherwise gift #6 is much better. Yup, I'm doing another dead fish hat. I've been looking for an excuse, so I used this as one! I'm using more Phildar Charly, it's cheap, and I got this hat out of 50g in total. I'm going to sew to Xs on for eyes in orange, that's why I chose such a contrast. I'm hoping the person I've made it for will like it, I'm 90% sure he'll laugh at least. I just need to sew the ends in, neaten up the tail and do the eyes.
You can see the notes for this hat here and for my first dead fish hat here.


I've also started the next gift, but I've made a mistake so I'm going to have to knit a flower to cover that error up. Oh dear. Next time I won't increase during a class.

Wednesday, 26 November 2014

Coffeeeeee

So as a coffee lover I had to get something to go with my fancy travel Bodum. I got this! It's a little collection of worldwide coffees, and it's an ideal gift. You get nine little boxes of 66g. I like fairly strong coffee thought, but we'll see. I forget how many spoons I normally put in when I make just for me. It's been years since I've had good coffee without going out and buying it. I guess what I'll do is the typical thing where I choose one high end coffee and drink small amounts daily. I do love Wittard's coffee though, and the teas aren't bad either. I just can't remember which coffee flavour I like. Chances are I'll be buying a cheapy version of something that tastes good.