Wednesday, 22 October 2014

So I've not written anything for like a month

Yeah, I've just not found anything to write for a while. 

I'm still obsessively knitting, and half-heartedly trying to find a job without pissing off the place where I live who say I can't work.

 I've also had a blood test to see why I've got shaking hands, but all my levels seem to be normal, apart from sugar which is two points below normal, but I'm sure that's nothing.

And it's slowly drifting towards Christmas, I've worked out if I don't buy anything other than my Navigo, rent and protein I can get a maximum of about 100€ to do presents for three people.

Aw man, this is gonna be hard.

So my son is nearly two, and he's going to be needing two presents, one for his birthday on the 11th of December and one for Christmas. I've had one idea, but it's not great.


LeapFrog junior thing for learning to read. Ages 1-3. It looks good, and the problem is where he's in this other family I'm having hell teaching him English, he just doesn't keep it. Once I taught him the word shoes, and we've got a painting of ice skates on the wall, once he figured out what shoes were he kept pointing at this picture and my feet saying "shoes" but the next time I saw him he'd started saying the French equivalent and didn't seem to care about the English version any more. And at £12.50 it seems like a good price, but I'd still have to buy books for it, although the books don't seem that expensive and kids that age like the same thing a few times.

The books aren't hugely expensive either, so I could do the talking part with one book for his birthday, and the books for Christmas.
As you can see blow they're around £15 a set of four, and there's more themes.



And then that leaves me something to work out for my mum and my brother. I'm thinking I can knit something for my mum and she'll like it, but for my brother... books? I don't know, he's not easy.
Maybe I should only get things for my son and my mum...


But this is all I can think of so far.

Wednesday, 24 September 2014

Three knitting books I really want

I've not been finding a lot to write about at the moment. Sorry, not my fault.

Anyway, I'm always on the look out for knitting things and wool and everything!
I do need to write about it a lot more, but I don't find the time or motivation.

So I've narrowed this down to three books, and why I want them.

Fair Isle Style: 20 Fresh Designs for a Classic Technique
Fair Isle Style by Mary Jane Mucklestone.

So I love the cover design! It's so pretty. And on the back cover there is a hat and scarf design that I love.

Personally I think the cover design would be great to use up some odd yarn with some new.

I think the price is really cheap!

Fair Isle was another break through I had when I was pregnant and ever since I've loved it. It makes knitting so much more interesting, challenging.

And it makes self striping yarn ever more interesting when paired with a block colour. I just love it.

I'm always looking for new knitting patterns and Fair Isle patters.



Happy Feet (Cathy Carron Collection)

I'm a sock addict, no doubts about it.

I love differnt styles, Fair Isle (again..) and a bit of everything. Currently I'm doing something based on this pattern from Knitty, a two needle sock.

Anyway, the pinao socks were the first to catch my attention, then the toeless really looked cool, but I don't know what I'd use them for. And the zigzag stripe thing?! YES!

I love interesting patterns and always seem to have a pair of socks on the go. I've only knitted three pairs so far, but I'm always looking to do more.

It seems a little expensive, but could well be worth it.

Scottish Knits: Colorwork and Cables with a Twist
I'm a proud Scot. Can't help it, when you're from a country that good you can't help being proud.

And I do love Fair Isle.

Hats, gloves, cardigans, jumpers.

There isn't a description on Amazon, but that hat, and the juper on the left? I do love it. And the cardigan on the right is pretty nice too... There isn't much information on this book but based from the cover picutres I'm intrested.

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Depression

Yeah, this again.

Don't worry, I'm fine! And even better, my Loony Roomie is leaving soon.

I had a really awesome Sunday, talking to new people, and something interesting came up.

I was talking to a woman, Natalie, who was around the same age as me, also from the UK, and we were just talking about growing up. How the teenage years were utter shite. And then I came out with this line, that kind of shocked me because I'd never thought of it like this before.

I used to hide my depression behind my Emo-ness. Being Emo meant I was allowed to mope around with no questions. I could cut myself and it was normal, if I took a paracetamol overdose it was to fit in.

That sounds crazy, but that's what I did.


Pon and Zi were the typical Emo cartoons floating around in my day, and when you see some of the themes the obligatory suicide attempts come though.


The obsession with love as well.

And rawr. 



Saturday, 26 July 2014

Drifting...

Nothing has change and I do nothing to change things.

I don't feel as bad as I did before, where I had no desire to do anything, but I'm still not feeling great. They're still saying I'm not depressed. Thank fuck. I don't think I can do the pills again, too many mood swings.

I want to get working, to start earning money rather than sitting around with nothing and relying on my magic credit card that will never be paid back. Sorry bank. The thing is the staff here want me working somewhere sheltered due to the Aspergus Syndrome. The thing people debate if I've got it or not. It's annoying because now I have to wait even longer. Even longer before I can get a job, to get paid, to save money for my deposit on a flat, so I can leave here and get my son back.

I feel less lonely, I go out to this church once a week and there's people there who speak to me and they seem nice. Last week they bought me a thing of metro tickets. So that's good, really kind actually because I've got fuck all money and it keeps me going for about three weeks. I also got bought a worship CD. Again kinda cool even though I'm probably low down on the list of good Christians. I know it's not a competition but whatever. I don't care, I'm not a good person. I'm a narcissist, apparently. I've stopped giving a shit, people either like me or not, I'm not going to run around trying to please everyone because I know it's impossible.

I've also noticed something else weird, all my life I've had a huge birthmark on my leg, ever since I was little people commented on it, alienated me because of it, hit me for it. This year? Fuck all. I've finally grown out of the torment and it only took 21 years. I'm just happy to finally pass as normal.

Otherwise, life is as stagnated as always.

And green tea? Yeah, not that great... I thought it would help me with my diet, I've fattened up a bit, but nope. Just blech.
Although it's drinkable I'll stick to red fruits, cheers.

And running? Still awesome, I'm managing about 600m without stopping now.

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

No real updates

I'm not dead, I've just not got internet, or much to write about.

Alexandros is fine, the visits go great, they always talk about raising the amount of time but never do. He's talking more. The last time I saw him I took him a Play-Doh gift set, and he kept trying to say Play-Doh, but it was more like "hay-doh" still not bad. I mean, he did stop talking completely at one point. He's started giving kisses too, real ones, not just touching his lips on my cheek but with the mwah noise too! He's really confidant with walking and running too.

I'm fine, I binge eat too much and I've started getting fat, but it's the annoying hard fat that's difficult to lose and as much as I try I can't do the anorexia by will. I still don't understand how I ended up anorexic then can't do it when I feel I've gained too much weight. Whatever. So I've taken up jogging. I'm fed up with the asthma problems as well, so I'm thinking if I force my lungs to work out they'll get better. First day I did two runs because this girl in my room wanted to and didn't want to go alone. It's been three days and I'm still in pain. Second day I took a break, and yesterday I went quickly, but it was so sore. Today I can't because I'm washing my chav suit and it's not dry yet.
I keep getting insulted by someone I live with that I washed it deliberately to get out of running and that I'm lazy.

I've started going to church again too, it's called Hillsong, apparently it's international. I like it, the people are nice.

Otherwise, nothing new. Oooooh, I did knit a shawl.... Seen below worn as a scarf.


Saturday, 31 May 2014

How am I coping?

It comes to mind sometimes, how am I actually coping?

Well, I think I'm out of the worst of the depression now, and I'm off the medications which I'm hugely proud of.

I never did find out exactly what I was taking, it was two antidepressants, and an anti-stress medication, two pink pills, a blue and two pink capsules.

I know that at the time I started taking them I was swinging between actively suicidal and too lazy to kill myself, and I accept that I probably got to the point where I needed them. However I question how much they helped me.

Sometimes during the treatment I'd be okay, happy, smiling and joking around. Other times I'd be inexplicably sad, once there was a time where I was half thinking of disappearing or dying but I couldn't be bothered to get out of bed. Not really useful and they get in the way of having a normal life.

Then when I ran out I couldn't get more. Long story short, no money. Secretly I'm very thankful because now I'm off those pills I'm more stable even if I'm not happy. I was tired, I had full on withdrawal, all the side effects. Tiredness, food cravings for only salt, disorientation, gaps in memory. It was horrible but only lasted a week. I slept through days two to six.

When I came out of the daze I didn't notice until my room mate had pointed it out to me, but I was more stable, less tearful. I wasn't exactly happy, but I was remarkably less tired and I had a new awareness of my surroundings.

I'm not saying coming off my medication was the best thing to do, or even if it was a good idea, but it has given me some kind of kick start into getting my life going again.

The thing is I'd never have got permission from a doctor to stop my treatment, when I went to the first appointment to moniter the treatment and I said I'd stopped I got so much panic. I even got called irresponsible. I didn't actually want to stop the pills, I'd got to the point where I thought I needed them. After being asked all the questions about how I was feeling they said I was okay without but I needed weekly appointments to check.

So I just kind of drifted on. And that's all I've really been doing. Not progressing or anything interesting, drifting.

If I had to describe how I'm feeling I'd say I'm better, but I'm not exactly happy. Something is still missing. I guess it's Alexandros, but even when I had him it felt like something was still missing. If I can survive a packet and a half of paracetamol I can make it through this though. I guess the empty feeling of something missing will go whenever I find what it is, I just have to keep looking.

I still have milk too, which is weird. It came gushing out in the shower this morning, I've not breastfed since the 12th of Febuary.

Wednesday, 28 May 2014

Some photos

I'm just going to write a quick little summary of what I've been up to recently while I've got a wifi hot spot.
My new obsession is to knit socks, however life is too short to knit matching pairs. Well actually I've made half of my pair, and then started my mum's pair, which are the left one. I've written about this more on my other blog.
 Alexandros likes to speak on the phone now, but still is barely talking. He also likes to tidy up by giving everything to me. He's also running around and attacking and doing everything he used to.
 And I went on holiday to the UK recently. Otherwise, nothing much to say.