Tuesday, 16 December 2014
Not just the terrible food, but about the psychological torture, where someone who can sleep all morning wakes you up through the night and you're exhausted from this enforced insomnia.
Those staff members who pressure you to take pills, Andi-Depressants, sleeping pills, everything. But they won't let me keep my own packet of paracetamol because I'm a suicide risk. They've got an interesting system of medications here.
The people here, that troll, the loony roomie who's now gone, the crazy people, the unaware people and the down right depressing woman. And the mouthy one who I wish would shut up and stop puking her guts up at night. The druggies, the alcoholic, and those with their almost anonymous problems.
About how there's women who leave their shit sticking to the toilet. About how nobody washes their hands. About how some people don't shower for weeks on end. The smell that catches you in the throat and makes you gag.
The fact there's women from different cultures who are okay to sit with their top half naked and talk to you as if nothing has changed. And me, who changes in the shower, even if I'm only changing my shirt.
Being confined to one corner and having to share you're room when you're a messy, but not dirty person, in the cleanest room of the five, but with the smallest corner.
The tedium, the repeatability, and how now winter has come it gets really dull the evening and the mornings are sombre.
It's an idea after all. But I didn't sleep last night, so, it could be a bad one.
When did my life become this trivial? When was my ranting taken away and I was given a structured thing to write? I miss my wordy freedom.
So why do I want to go back to see my family for Christmas? Because they're my family, because it's a family holiday. Key word, family. Would you rather I spend Christmas in bed depressing myself? This centre is miserable sometimes, I can imagine that would be one of them. I'm surrounded by hopeless cases and I fear I may become one, like it's a disease I can trap. This place doesn't do me any favours, it charges my self hatred so I need to remove myself from the source. There's reasons why I go out most of the day, the main one is job hunting, the other one would be church, and after that I've got a day with my son. Any appointment I can get I try and grab for lunchtime.
Let's get to that. Food. It's shit. Epically shit. Hi, my name is Andi, and I'm a vegetarian, I have been for years, and I'm fed up with eating fish. Yeah, I'm "difficult" because I eat in a fairly easy to respect way. So what is the problem? The women have mixed meat, or animal fat, or dead animal into my vegetables to the point where I have no more confidence in eating here. And if I point this out, you say I can starve myself if I like because it's my own problem. Well fuck you, I'll happily die from starvation. Anorexia becomes a learnt habit, and when it's obliged like it is here. I don't actually get hungry any more. I was worrying, but it's actually doing me a favour.
Just fuck it. I wanna go see my family, and I don't even have the right to do that. What's the point? None of this stuff matters any more. I try and dig myself out of this hole and something always comes shoving me further down.
Wednesday, 3 December 2014
So I got paid today, I get paid on Friday too, but I still feel bleh. Bleh isn't a real word, it just describes it. Kinda. The words my friend used were worse.
And I've been trying to get more gold colour tat since I got my glasses as they have gold leaves on them, so I got earrings. I'll have some nice tat to wear with my glasses now. I actually have my upper ear pierced too so I need three earrings to wear at a time. Also because it's a new piercing dating from the end of September I can't leave it empty.
So this is what 20€ got me.
Monday, 1 December 2014
WantsThankfully the want list is going down. All I really want now is a bag or two. I really want that Tardis one, I love Doctor Who, but I'd also like the Owl one for the summer. And the Nintendo one from when Nintendo used to be AWESOME and the Adventure Time one to annoy my brother. Yup...
Thursday, 27 November 2014
|I really imagine wearing this into my next appointment with my psychologist. I know I should.|
Otherwise gift #6 is much better. Yup, I'm doing another dead fish hat. I've been looking for an excuse, so I used this as one! I'm using more Phildar Charly, it's cheap, and I got this hat out of 50g in total. I'm going to sew to Xs on for eyes in orange, that's why I chose such a contrast. I'm hoping the person I've made it for will like it, I'm 90% sure he'll laugh at least. I just need to sew the ends in, neaten up the tail and do the eyes.
You can see the notes for this hat here and for my first dead fish hat here.